Ah. I am just struggling with my eating habits. I sure do wish there were more available Weight Watcher meetings around this area. Yet, who is responsible for my own eating, regardless of any meetings? Me. So, today, it is a "no excuses" kind of day for me, Friday or not. Ugh. I keep giving in to temptation. No one is to blame but me. A few more pounds keep creeping in, a few more and then more... What am I doing? I worked so hard for this and now I can't seem to work on it. Goals: today: exercie eat correctly and track change the mindset Every day is NOT a special occasion

blogging to reason out the sadness, the pain, the depression, the anger

Good morning. It's snowing. It's 31 degrees here in Plaistow. I view this snow as an inconvenience as I had much to do that is not going to be done today now. That's OK, I'll work on quilt guild publicity, yet again, and try to finalize some of it. It is a shame I had no volunteers to help with this job as it would have been fun to have a partner and also to lighten the load. It really is a 2 or 3 person job. I'm a committee of one and I guess I am whining a little bit here. Sorry to be whining. I just get frustrated when others do not step up and do their share in groups. It seems like about 10% of those in non-profits or churches are always the ones who step up. I'd love it if, for once, one of those who never puts themselves out for others would simply offer to take on one little chore. It is not bad when you do it, and you actually make friends. Some of the best friends I have in my life are those I worked side by side with for a good cause. These people don't know what they are missing, sadly. Oh well. One of things I was supposed to be doing was going to My Brother's Keeper and I sure need a dose of those wonderful women and their kindness today. Those people are not the type I was referring to above, they are the best and the most worthy and wonderful people who step up time and time again to help others. They are my kind of people. I long to be with them today. Do you ever feel that certain people and places are like an "island" where you are safe to be yourself and all the unkindness is like the churning and angry ocean surrounding you? Well, MBK is like that. No one in that group ever says unkind things and hurts others. They are all about the giving and the caring and devout their time to making our world better one homeless person at a time. I love that we come together from all walks of life with a simple goal of helping others. There are people in that group who did not know each other at all before coming and they are simply the best of friends now. What a reward for helping others! I continue to marvel at it. Sometimes when life is like that churned up sea and you need to find respite from it, that group is the right place to be. I can be tense, stressed, unhappy and then I go there and I leave with a new attitude. The art gallery can be like that for me as well, as I get in the zone with the art and the pain, the hurt, the sadness, wash away. Unfortunately, there are those things in our world that are hurtful, cause pain (inside pain that doesn't show on the outside) and sadness. When I think of "inside pain" I am reminded of that old Smokey Robinson song "Tears of a Clown" a song I shall listen to after I finish my thoughts. Wait a second, here is a quote from that song, it's perfect for what I was trying to say: "But don't let my glad expression Give you the wrong impression Really I'm sad, oh I'm sadder than sad" Smokey was talking about his love life, of course, but I know people who are deeply sad and they put on that smile and they walk out that door every day. The world can be a cruel place and yet we smile and we often never let people know that inside we are hurting. I admit that I am often that person. Yet, I'm trying and I try every single day to find peace. Right now I am like a turtle who needs to retreat inside her shell and I'm safe in there. I'm glad I have my shell and I'll not be watching the news today, I'll not be allowing this home sale thing to upset me, Mark is my "shell" and I am so thankful to have him. I do wish we had MY Borther's Keeper today and if the weather is not so bad, I'm going to the art gallery even if there is snow and driving slow. I need that place so badly today. As you all know there are times when I reach a boiling point with it all and find places like Facebook to be unkind places. I stick to my special friends who are not out there attacking this and that, the softer side of Facebook and the world is what I need. In fat, the softer side of the world is where this fragile and "damaged" person needs to find shelter. I admit to being damaged, but that is OK as I find my places to recover and I know who I need to spend time with to protect this very thin shell I have around me. We all need to find a place where we can retreat to and be nurtured. I look forward to finding my nurturing retreat places up near Bristol. The lake, thank God, is also a place like that for me. I've not been to the lake much since we bought this house as we have been so busy working on the house, but even knowing it is close is a comfort. I know the lay of that land, the roll of those mountains and what lies on the other side of them. The mountains, the lakes, even special trees that are things of beauty are my friends. We drive by Winona Rd. on our way to certain places and I actually speak out loud to the lake and wave longingly to it. It's there, It's close and I know. We drove by on Sunday afternoon, in fact, but did not go all the way in on the side road. It was nothing but ice. We had snow, then super cold and then it warmed up and rained and everything up there is ice. Nothing that has not been salted or sanded was sheer ice. It was beautiful and I enjoyed just driving by the lake and looking across to our little peninsula. Mark told the fish he'd be back soon and we smiled. So, today, I cannot escape to my special happy places, I'm here. I'll try to make my own happy place in this home today and find peace. I'm having a very hard time finding peace right now. But, I'll be OK and I'll keep busy. Keeping busy is helpful too. In the meantime, those who have the hurtful things to say and the critics, the angry, the inconsiderate, the rude and whatever else you can call that kind, know that I am here on my own and I have put up my own invisible shield of protection. I'm impervious to what you dish out today and I won't let it get to me. With that, I hope you find your own shield. I'll be praying for you and for me. I'll pray that people take one extra step to care and be kind today and that those who feel they must speak ill of a person they disagree with choose to count to ten and maybe try not to be quite so unkind. What a world we could have in the ones who choose to attack with words simply re-thought their actions and listened and tried to "play well with others".

Why can't people simply calm down and move on after incidents happen in our world? Why must everyone take it further than it could ever be. Something bad happens in our world and that is bad enough. Do we have to add to it all with more horrific stuff? Calling our president a racist and calling all people in his party a racist is truly bothering me. I live my life treating people the same. I voted for him and I think he is doing a very good job and I hate that these people associate him with these haters. I think it is wrong and their hate for him just never stops. It has taken on an entirely different level this week that feel like bullets going through my soul. I hate the haters. I can't be like them. Am I being like them right now? I don't think so. People get what they give to me, I give all people the same exact chance to have a little fun, make a conversation, spend a moment in time, even at the check out line in a grocery store where we are strangers to each other. I'll smile right back at you. I'm not surprised if you are a rocket scientist if you are of a certain race, nor am I surprised if you are cleaning the rest room someplace if you are my race. I'm not finding this situation in our country to be intelligent right now. We are so busy hating each other and calling people all the nasty names one can think of instead of working towards peace. I'm not a Natzi and no one I know is one and I seriously doubt our politicians are people like that eather. But one hate group takes on a stance and suddenly people are aligned with it all and it is deeply hurtful to think about. It hurts me to see people calling each other names and when they start in like that, they are just as hateful at the other people have been in my opinion. This hate gets us nowhere at all. So, what is one to do on this very day to fix things? Lay low like a turtle with my head in my shell? Get out there and do stuff that is kind? I am certain that I cannot live under a rock and I cannot fix this world, but I could make one small step I guess. I am totally disgusted. The world is not a nice place at times. I think I need to focus on my own life, my own expectations and try hard to remove the stress the hate and the pain from myself. I have no idea where or what I ought to be doing. But, it sure is not healthy for me to be on Facebook seeing other people's profiles.

Good morning it is 100% humidity today and going to be in the 80s. I'm heading off to My Brother's Keeper. The concern I have is if I shall tell them about the possible move. I think I owe it to them, but nothing is official yet. I have no clue. As for me, I'm feeling a wee bit better and hopeful that any Diverticulitis symptoms vanish. I'm tired, I'm sad, I would like to be living at Lake Winona and not here. I hope better times are coming. I have been packing and moving things gradually to the storage unit. Today may be broom closet or master bedroom closet day, we shall see. I'm having a cleaning lady come today and hope that the house looks great when she is done. I postponed the window cleaning people until after we have a signed purchase and sales agreement. It could take awhile. This weekend we are heading to RI and I would very much like to go up to the lake and see the loons. It is so hard for me to not see and photograph what is happening with them. I have decided to write a children's book and illustrate it and I'm thinking about how it would be make and what to do. I contacted a publisher of kid's books and I want to know more about how it works before I share the entire story with them. It's a happy ending. It's humanitarian and helping an endangered species It's sweet The photos to go with it are real and true story as well What's wrong with that? Nothing! Go for it and make it happen! Love, me

I am here today and it's not one of those horribly depressed days, though I must say that I am not 100% happy for sure. I'm here because it is time to lecture myself. 1. eat healthy and get in steps even if you are busy. 2. repeat 3. clean the house 4. get stuff done and stop procrastinating

Why do I come here when I am sad? I guess it is because I just don't want to be making everyone else miserable with my whining and to write here makes me get it out of my system. I've been sad this week. Yet another Diverticulitis attack has seared me with pain. I've been so upset. I went through surgery and here I am with this again. No nuts No seeds No popcorn (on no, please not that again.....) No gluten (yup, you have done this time and time again, when will you learn?) I'm mourning again for the loss of these foods. I want my mom. Yesterday I found myself crying as I wanted her so badly. I'm going to be 62 years old tomorrow and yet I feel like a 14 year old who wants mom to fix it all for me. My own daughter is sad and needs me and I need to square my shoulders and so what others call "adulting" and it sucks as I'm the one who feels like she needs to be mothered right now. So, there you go. Suck it up. Be the grown up.

I haven't been back here in ages and from what I read about myself here, I'm a pretty depressed person, I guess. Or, I just seem to feel a need to pour out my heart when I am particularly sad and this might be a safe place to vent? Well, here I am again. It was a pretty awful day. What do you tell your friend who has brain cancer and the recent MRI they had showed their tumor is growing? What do you do when you fear they will die? You can't show that fear to your friend and you need to be positive, yet you feel the hurt, the misery and the fear so dearly and just can't wave a magic wand and make it all better. I pray and I try to do what I can. Is there hope? I sure hope so. I'm sad this evening. People can be so cruel. Why must they be so confrontational? I'm sick of people and kind of wish I could run away and hide from people. Rude and bad behavior is just wrong and the ones who are rude just do not know how awful they are being, or they could care less.