blogging to reason out the sadness, the pain, the depression, the anger

Good morning. It's snowing. It's 31 degrees here in Plaistow. I view this snow as an inconvenience as I had much to do that is not going to be done today now. That's OK, I'll work on quilt guild publicity, yet again, and try to finalize some of it. It is a shame I had no volunteers to help with this job as it would have been fun to have a partner and also to lighten the load. It really is a 2 or 3 person job. I'm a committee of one and I guess I am whining a little bit here. Sorry to be whining. I just get frustrated when others do not step up and do their share in groups. It seems like about 10% of those in non-profits or churches are always the ones who step up. I'd love it if, for once, one of those who never puts themselves out for others would simply offer to take on one little chore. It is not bad when you do it, and you actually make friends. Some of the best friends I have in my life are those I worked side by side with for a good cause. These people don't know what they are missing, sadly. Oh well. One of things I was supposed to be doing was going to My Brother's Keeper and I sure need a dose of those wonderful women and their kindness today. Those people are not the type I was referring to above, they are the best and the most worthy and wonderful people who step up time and time again to help others. They are my kind of people. I long to be with them today. Do you ever feel that certain people and places are like an "island" where you are safe to be yourself and all the unkindness is like the churning and angry ocean surrounding you? Well, MBK is like that. No one in that group ever says unkind things and hurts others. They are all about the giving and the caring and devout their time to making our world better one homeless person at a time. I love that we come together from all walks of life with a simple goal of helping others. There are people in that group who did not know each other at all before coming and they are simply the best of friends now. What a reward for helping others! I continue to marvel at it. Sometimes when life is like that churned up sea and you need to find respite from it, that group is the right place to be. I can be tense, stressed, unhappy and then I go there and I leave with a new attitude. The art gallery can be like that for me as well, as I get in the zone with the art and the pain, the hurt, the sadness, wash away. Unfortunately, there are those things in our world that are hurtful, cause pain (inside pain that doesn't show on the outside) and sadness. When I think of "inside pain" I am reminded of that old Smokey Robinson song "Tears of a Clown" a song I shall listen to after I finish my thoughts. Wait a second, here is a quote from that song, it's perfect for what I was trying to say: "But don't let my glad expression Give you the wrong impression Really I'm sad, oh I'm sadder than sad" Smokey was talking about his love life, of course, but I know people who are deeply sad and they put on that smile and they walk out that door every day. The world can be a cruel place and yet we smile and we often never let people know that inside we are hurting. I admit that I am often that person. Yet, I'm trying and I try every single day to find peace. Right now I am like a turtle who needs to retreat inside her shell and I'm safe in there. I'm glad I have my shell and I'll not be watching the news today, I'll not be allowing this home sale thing to upset me, Mark is my "shell" and I am so thankful to have him. I do wish we had MY Borther's Keeper today and if the weather is not so bad, I'm going to the art gallery even if there is snow and driving slow. I need that place so badly today. As you all know there are times when I reach a boiling point with it all and find places like Facebook to be unkind places. I stick to my special friends who are not out there attacking this and that, the softer side of Facebook and the world is what I need. In fat, the softer side of the world is where this fragile and "damaged" person needs to find shelter. I admit to being damaged, but that is OK as I find my places to recover and I know who I need to spend time with to protect this very thin shell I have around me. We all need to find a place where we can retreat to and be nurtured. I look forward to finding my nurturing retreat places up near Bristol. The lake, thank God, is also a place like that for me. I've not been to the lake much since we bought this house as we have been so busy working on the house, but even knowing it is close is a comfort. I know the lay of that land, the roll of those mountains and what lies on the other side of them. The mountains, the lakes, even special trees that are things of beauty are my friends. We drive by Winona Rd. on our way to certain places and I actually speak out loud to the lake and wave longingly to it. It's there, It's close and I know. We drove by on Sunday afternoon, in fact, but did not go all the way in on the side road. It was nothing but ice. We had snow, then super cold and then it warmed up and rained and everything up there is ice. Nothing that has not been salted or sanded was sheer ice. It was beautiful and I enjoyed just driving by the lake and looking across to our little peninsula. Mark told the fish he'd be back soon and we smiled. So, today, I cannot escape to my special happy places, I'm here. I'll try to make my own happy place in this home today and find peace. I'm having a very hard time finding peace right now. But, I'll be OK and I'll keep busy. Keeping busy is helpful too. In the meantime, those who have the hurtful things to say and the critics, the angry, the inconsiderate, the rude and whatever else you can call that kind, know that I am here on my own and I have put up my own invisible shield of protection. I'm impervious to what you dish out today and I won't let it get to me. With that, I hope you find your own shield. I'll be praying for you and for me. I'll pray that people take one extra step to care and be kind today and that those who feel they must speak ill of a person they disagree with choose to count to ten and maybe try not to be quite so unkind. What a world we could have in the ones who choose to attack with words simply re-thought their actions and listened and tried to "play well with others".